nice guys
don't wear leather
I meet the same five guys every night, and they all fucking suck.
words: Ashton Smothermon
image: Jacqueline Fernandez
I love Austin. I love tall buildings that look like owls, South by Southwest, sweltering summer days, etc. What I do not like is dating in Austin. Seriously, the dating pool here is shallow and stagnant. A friend of mine once said, "I meet the same girl every night. They just have different names." Well, I meet the same five guys every night, and they all fucking suck.
1. THE GREASY LEANER
This guy is constantly leaning against some wall, trying to look cool smoking a cigarette. He doesn't shower -only bathes- because he wants to keep his hair greasy, and will only leave his leaning wall to go do lines in the bathroom. There's an 89% chance this guy has herpes.
2. THE FUN BOBBY
You know those guys who you see out and they're the life of the party? They're so charismatic! People love being around them! You love being around them! Then you end up driving them around everywhere because they don't have a car/real job/ambitions beyond being drunk and having fun with their stupid friends all the time.
3. GAY STRAIGHT GUY
What a little trickster! This guy is well-dressed and flamboyant to the nth degree. You spend a night out with your new gay friend dancing and being silly, then he tries to make out with you! Probably because he's straight.
4. THE GUY WHO'S SLEPT WITH EVERYONE
Yeah, he's banged a lot of chicks, a few of which you know, but he's so sweet! Things will be different with you. He really cares. (You know this is how he got those other girls into bed too, right?)
5. OVERCONFIDENT GUY
Above all other guys, this one is the worst. He swaggers over, not nearly as cute as you, not nearly as clever as you, and looking smug as fuck. This guy is so massively disgusting to me, I'm seriously cringing picturing this scenario. He'll relentlessly hit on you, with his poorly-chosen lines while wearing some sort of ill-fitting button up, and nothing short of a "get the hell away from me" will get the point across.
These dudes are seriously on rotate every time I go out. So, for the record: No, I don't remember your name. No, I'm not going to any after parties. No, I will not give you my number. Now, shoo!